It's Not Our Drinking. It's Our Thinking

After attending the 7AM meeting of alcoholics anonymous for about one year, a long-time member told us that he was offering a workshop on the 12 steps. I signed up. That workshop changed my life. It put me on a road which I am still traveling. There is no end in sight. Oh well.

He said this: drinking was not our problem. Our thinking was our problem. Drinking was the solution to our problem. Just last week, a member shared at the meeting that she no longer has a drinking problem; she has a thinking problem. My experience is that most of us sitting in the rooms of AA have had or still have a thinking problem, and boy oh boy, it is so hard to change those negative thoughts that pop intro our head. Without our permission.

Another member shared at that same meeting that she woke up that morning next to an empty bag of chips. When she was drinking, she often work up lying next to an empty chip bag which she she didn't remember taking to bed with her. She was a blackout drinker. She has been sober for several years. But the night before she was thinking she was a failure. There is no evidence that I can see she is a failure. She has a successful career in a demanding job, she's kind, articulate, and lovely. The objective truth didn't matter. What mattered was her thought - I'm a failure in life. So how did she get relief from that self defeating negative thought? Food. My AA sponsor told me that when we stop drinking, most of us change seats on the Titanic. I did. I find relief from my thinking not with chips, but with about two cups of cashews, a huge bowl of popcorn or one half of a pecan pie. and I feel physically hung over the next day.

When I got home after that particular meeting, I asked my husband if he ever feels like a failure. "No," he said. He's what we in AA call a "normie". He doesn't think like we do. He actually loves himself and he's even told me when he sees a group of people obviously talking about him, he imagines they are conspiring to make him happy. Not conspiring against him. He's never had feelings he wanted to numb because he doesn't have a negative mind set. Lucky him.

I got off the phone this morning after talking with a friend who lives in Rhode Island. Far from California where I live. She told me that a childhood friend she visited several months ago hasn't responded to her texts or emails, and she has been wondering what she did that had offended her friend. Why didn't her friend want her in her life anymore. She knew intellectually that she has no idea why her friends hasn't answered her messages, but emotionally she was sure it was because she had done something wrong. She was wrong. We ended the conversation laughing about our crazy thinking. My friend's father was an alcoholic. a clue to her negative self-talk. She goes to a 12-step program

Mary (name changed) is going to have a hip replacement in a month, but already the operation is a failure, and she will walk for the rest of her life with a limp or maybe be in a wheelchair. We all laughed at the insanity of her fearful thoughts. We get it. Mary laughed also.

Back to Ron, my husband. he listens to NPR most of the day. When I want to talk to him he has to put the program on pause so he can hear me. Sometimes I get irritated because I think he SHOULD be ready at anytime to listen to me. He SHOULD be present to his senses. Because I know best. I know if he follows my advice he will be a better man. That thinking is uncomfortable and burdensome. It's also self-centered. And it's about control. Alcoholic thinking.

to be continued...thinking