Our Pathetic Mind

A member of AA said at a meeting recently, "Get your pathetic mind off your pathetic self and be of service to someone." I wrote it down because there seemed to be a lot of wisdom in those few words. How is my mind pathetic and how is my self, who I am, pathetic?

I can guarantee that all the people sitting in the rooms of AA have a pathetic mind. At least how I define a pathetic mind. It's a mind that worries about the future, is anxious, is not accepting what is. A mind that argues with reality. A mind that is critical of people, places, situations because those people, places and situations are not in accordance with what the pathetic mind thinks is right. A mind that thinks it knows what is best for other people. An angry mind, a mind that has resentments. A mind that tells itself life isn't fair, and it got the short end of the stick: a victim mentality. And a mind that is self-negating. That keeps chattering : you're not good enough, you're unlovable, you will never measure up. That's a pathetic mind.

One of my sponsees in her early 30"s has gone back to school to study for the career she has always wanted. She came over for a chat. She shared she was so stressed her hair was falling out. (She checked online and talked to friends in the medical field, so determined that was the reason for losing chunks of her hair.) She was taking exams for her last two courses before applying to the next segment of her studies. "What are you stressed about?" I asked. "I'm afraid I'm going to fail these last two classes," she replied. I asked her what grade she had in the classes at present. She has an A. in both. I asked her what grades she has received for the last two years. In every class she has gotten an A. That's a pathetic mind. She has absolutely no evidence she will fail. I asked her what images, if any, come up from the past which cause her fear of failure. She remembered when she was in third grade a teacher said in front of the entire class, "Susan (not her name), you will never do well in school with your poor mathematic skills." That did it for Susan. She got average grades for the rest of her public school years and once she started drinking in college she gave up and dropped out. Her pathetic mind takes over at times. That's when she can't believe she is really, really smart.

I had a pathetic mind that frequently tries to get a foothold in my brain. As soon as I see it hovering at the door of my mind, I work on shutting it out. Sometimes it requires a great deal of effort. But do I want to exert the effort and free myself of the misery it causes or live in a more joyous place? Easy answer.

What about our pathetic selves. Oh, that I can certainly identify with. My selfish, self-centered thinking: people should love me unconditionally and more than they love anyone else. Why aren't I rich and famous? Why don't I drive a Mercedes like my brother? Why did my father have to die so young? Why doesn't everyone want me to be their best friend? And on and on. Thinking of me. Someone doesn't smile at me; he's mad at me. He didn't answer my text; she doesn't like me. It's all about me.

The last part of the share I mentioned in the first paragraph recommends we put our focus on serving others. I love being with my sponsees because I am not thinking of myself. I am thinking of how I can help them. I enjoy being in conversation with others (if it's engaging my attention) because I am appreciating their talk. At meetings I am thinking of how I can support others. One member shared years ago that his sponsor said when you feel sorry for yourself, go out and help others. That is a prescription for feeling better about our pathetic selves. It works. Best of all, if we really follow the 12 step program, Our pathetic minds and our pathetic selves begin to dissolve. Sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly.