Overcoming Fear

The topic of today's 7 AM meeting was fear. It was a big meeting and a lot of people wanted to share because all of us there can relate to how we lived, or for the newcomers still live, in fear. One of the newcomers spoke up. "I have to share because I have been afraid to say anything. I have been afraid of what I say you'll think is stupid. You won't like me. I will be embarrassed, but since the topic is fear, I feel I must share anyway." Most of us smiled because we understood. The man next to him patted the newcomer on the shoulder. I went up to him after the meeting to tell him everyone in that room of 36 people could relate to those feelings of inadequacy, not measuring up. Which is why we drank and/or used substances. This man was probably in his mid 30's. Professional looking. He said his entire life he has lived in fear.

Usually the fear began in childhood. Which gets me to Mary. Not her real name. Mary was born in chaos. Her mother and father were drug addicts and alcoholics. She continued to run away from home repeatedly because she wanted attention from her parents and she thought when the police brought her back home she would get their attention. It didn't work and eventually she was taken, repeatedly, to juvenile hall. "I liked going there," she told me, "because there was structure, a routine." She was sent to a girls boarding school for, I think, delinquent girls. She liked that, too. Rules and structure gave Mary a sense of safety. She certainly was not safe in her home.

Her father abused her sexually. Her mother paid no attention. Mom was usually spaced out on some substance. Mary got married while in her teens to a man she met in a bar. He was an alcoholic. Mary had a son, and though she was in her own home, she was once again living in chaos. Then her husband shot himself. Mary found him in the bathroom. I didn't ask for details of the scene but I imagine it was pretty horrific. Mary remarried quickly. Another alcoholic who abused her physically. She had another child then ran off. Left her two children for her husband to raise. One of those children became an addict and he killed himself by overdosing. Where did the tragedies of these lives begin? With Mary's parents? With her grandparents? How far back does it go?

Back to fear. Mary lived in fear: fear of the past and fear of the future. She tried getting sober but just couldn't do it. She was so afraid of looking at herself, the mess she created, the harm she caused. Alcohol and drugs numbed her feelings. I have been attending the same meetings for almost sixteen years and watched Mary come in and out of the meetings. She was homeless for months at a time. She told me where she slept and how she got food.

I don't know how long she had been coming before I showed up, so she could have been relapsing for over sixteen years. Then the miracle occurred. She got sober and stayed sober and has been sober now for one year. She spoke up today. This is what she shared.

Through working with her sponsor and listening to people share in meetings and studying the book Alcoholics Anonymous, Mary has learned to forgive herself, her parents, her husband, and anyone else she resented and blamed for her life situation. When fear comes up now, she recites the serenity prayer. The things she can't control she turns over to her higher power. She just lets go, she surrenders. Since the only thing Mary has control over is herself, she sees what changes she can make. Here's the example she gave today. Her older son came to live with her after her father died. She hadn't seen him for twenty-five years. It's a challenge for her having him live with her. He isn't patient and doesn't want to get a job. She was afraid of setting some boundaries. She was afraid if she told him he had to get a job he would say awful things to her and leave and never contact her. She did it anyway. Like the newcomer who talked this morning even though he was afraid people might think what he said was dumb. Mary has learned to value herself.

Mary's son did get mad. Mary wanted to say something hurtful back but through working the 12-step program, she knew to pause and not react. She remained calm. She had control of herself. Wow. I still get defensive though not as often as my husband will confirm.

Mary added that fear is of the future and that doesn't exist. She lives, or tries to as much as possible, in the present moment. When she is in fear, she comes back to her senses: what does she see in front of her, what is she hearing, smelling, and so on. She ended by saying how grateful she is to AA which taught her how to live without fear: the serenity prayer and staying in the present. There are so many people in AA whose lives have been transformed by the twelve steps. Mary is one of these amazing people