We Are All Enough

I had coffee today with a beautiful young woman who was new to the women's group I attend. She has been coming for several months. She doesn't speak in the meetings and sat outside the circle of chairs until I invited her to sit with us in the circle. So a week ago I asked if she would like to visit over coffee. We set up today's meeting. She told me over tea (she doesn't drink coffee) she no longer had a desire to drink, but she still had critical thoughts running through her mind seemingly constantly.

I asked, "What's the most common criticism of yourself?" She replied, "I'm not enough." I chuckled which might have surprised her until I told her why. That's what most of us think about ourselves until we begin to get some time in sobriety and working the steps. She said hearing other people in meetings share they had the same thoughts was comforting. "I'm not unique," she added.

I then asked her where she thought that idea came from. Here's what she told me. Her mother was an alcoholic. When she was playing soccer as a child, Ellen (not her real name, of course) missed a goal. Her mother said to her, "What are you, stupid?" Mom had the same response when Ellen brought home average marks on her elementary school report card. So Ellen grew up believing she was not enough.

I asked a lot of questions. My dad used to say to me, "Pats, you ask too many damned questions." I still do. My dad is dead, so he can't complain. Here's the little I learned about Ellen. She is busy caring for her elderly father. She retired from her job with the county to give more time to her dad. Her one sibling doesn't help with Dad. She told me, when I asked, that yes, she has one child, a boy who is amazing that she raised by herself after her divorce. She was able to save enough money to buy her own home in Ventura. She has been taking a class every semester at Ventura College and has received A's in all of them. And she went to a play in Los Angeles by herself because she couldn't find anyone to go with her. She wanted to see the play badly enough, she went in spite of the terror she felt making that trip alone. She said she doesn't have many friends, but she goes out to dinner every week after an AA meeting with some women friends. This was the little she shared during our hour and thirty minutes together,

You may be thinking the same thing I thought: this is from a woman who believes she's not enough. It's distorted thinking. I made a list of these accomplishments and gave it to her. She had a reason why the evidence proving she is enough wasn't enough! Why is it for some of us so difficult to believe we are enough. Do you believe you are enough?